Wipe that stupid smile off your face, and take the words “So… when are you due?” out of your vocabulary. She’s not pregnant. And you’re dead.
Everyone enjoys jumping on a bed. Not everyone is aware of a spinning ceiling fan directly above it.
When you feel compelled to attempt lighting your farts on fire to impress your girlfriend (science!) – stay away from flammables, and keep an extinguisher handy. Just in case.
It happens to the best of us, but it’s in your best interest to make sure that your fly is zipped up before you go to a job interview.
If you absolutely must unclog your toilet, do yourself a favor and plunge with your mouth closed. Just trust me on this one.
Always tie your shoelaces. That’s all I have to say.
The institution of marriage has lost its meaning when my date introduced herself. “I’m your ex-wife’s ex-husband’s ex-wife“, she said. Think about it.
Resist the urge to kiss a woman while she’s having an orgasm! She’s prone to sudden moves. Her teeth might turn out to be stronger than yours, and you will have a hard time trying to explain the damage to your dentist.
I’m not sure how else to put it, so I’ll just say it. Don’t take a sleeping pill and a laxative together. Just don’t, okay?
Do not fall for a temptation to joke with airline security people! Turns out, they utterly lack any hints of sense of humor.
Have you seen that TV commercial where they flush a bunch of golf balls down the toilet? For some reason, attempting to replicate it at home seemed like a good idea at the time.